My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
