96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
