when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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