Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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