Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
