I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize