Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
