No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
