Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
