he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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