I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
