the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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