And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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