My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize