Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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