Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize