You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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