I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
