i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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