I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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