he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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