i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize