fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
