I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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