I just saw a hot homeless man
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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