turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
