I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
