umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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