rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
