plz talk dirty to me
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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