I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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