I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I don't deserve a penis
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
