I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
