This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
