u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
