You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize