maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
