i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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