She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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