apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
