1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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