we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
