Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
