honey bunches of taint.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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