yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Randomize
