Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
