I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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