I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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