when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
