Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize