I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
