hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
