i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
