bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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