Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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