Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
