god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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