theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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