I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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