Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
