and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
